Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
