I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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