she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
so let's talk penis.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
