she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
Randomize
