i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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