You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
