I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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