Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
Randomize
