Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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