how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
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