You don't have asthma, your pregnant
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
