no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
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