I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
