i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Randomize
