Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
