Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
