quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I showed him my bush... on skype.
he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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