Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
