I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I will be naked everywhere
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize