I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
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Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
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Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
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