that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
Randomize
