my room smells like sperm. sweet.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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