What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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