I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
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