i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Come see our sink grown plant.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Randomize
