girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Randomize
