You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
