I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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