Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
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