i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
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