i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
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