This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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