Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
