So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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