im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
