if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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