My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Randomize
