I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Randomize
