is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Randomize
