guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
