Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
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