i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Randomize
