I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
