I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
