She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
