Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
