After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Randomize
