man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
