I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
