my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Randomize
