please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
