So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
