finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Randomize
