I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
even my farts smell like vagina
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Randomize
