I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Randomize
