This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
