You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
I lost the right to judge tonight
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
