Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
