you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
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Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
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